POEM: My Sister Loves Worms

Girl with wormA

My sister loves worms
She loves how they wiggle
My sister loves worms
She loves how they jiggle
My sister loves worms
Wherever they are found
My sister loves worms
Under muddy ground
My sister loves worms
On her comfy bed
My sister loves worms
On her silky head
My sister loves worms
Sat on our telly
My sister loves worms
Squirming in her belly

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How To Write Badly…

sleepy writer1

So you have finally decided to write that story or book.  Let me tell you all the things you need to do to not get to the end and fail at your task.

1) Keep re-working that first chapter. That’s write. Why go on to the next part of the story when you can spend all your time endlessly re-writing the first part so it becomes perfect. After all, it’s not like most writers end up cutting the first chapter/part anyway as they started the story in the wrong place, is it?

2) Make sure you have access to Twitter, Facebook, Messenger or any other social media. You need to be constantly updated on the latest cake picture and cat video. You need to lose yourself down the rabbit hole of messages. Social media is catnip to writers and should be engaged at every opportunity rather than actually doing any writing on your story.

3) Surround yourself with lots of noise. Why not put the TV on as well or a playlist with good vocals? Nothing works better to help you lose your train of thought when you are being constantly…

4) Make sure you drink loads. Have lots of tea, coffee or fizzy drinks. It easily breaks the flow if you’re constantly sipping and having to run to the loo. Also, adds a sense of urgency.

5) Play a video game. You know you want to. Just get to the end of the level and then you’ll stop. Well, maybe, just one more level. Oh, is that the time. I’ll do some writing tomorrow, I promise.

6) Keep re-drafting your plan. In fact, invest in lots of colour pens and sticky labels to add a bit of colour to it all. What about a character spreadsheet mapping out all the history and interests of all the characters? I know you won’t use any of it but preparation is key.

7) Read a few books about writing. Better safe than sorry. Best to learn the craft from a book rather than actually doing a bit of writing. Maybe attend another writing course. Better still, re-read this blog post until you have memorised it.

8) Stare at the page. Fill yourself with nagging doubt and hesitate. Tell yourself it won’t be as good on the page as it is in your head. Whatever you do, don’t begin. Don’t put words down. You’re only setting yourself up to fail.

 

 

 

POEM: The Spelling Test

SpellRite-300x230

OK children
It’s time for the Spelling Test
Remember: no talking
If I see you talking
I will tear up your paper for cheating
Susan, what did I just say?
That’s right, NO TALKING.
Question 1
Suc-cess
Remember my clue:
Two cuffs, two sleeves
Michael, are you paying attention?

I’em a sawin bird in the ski
dragon wing tell mak me fli
a nite in rmer rides my bak
blazin sward helld hi for attak

OK
Question 2
Ne-ces-sary
Here’s the clue
One cup, two sugars
Remember that
One cup, two sugars
Michael, have you got number one done yet?

The prinsess waits in her towa
walls of vine and flowa
a which chains her too a bed
kacklin lowdly makin dred

Michael! You haven’t even started!
How do you expect to write
if you can’t spell?

After The Launch

 

Well, well, well the brilliant book launch went ahead smoothly and there was a good gathering of parents, children and teachers to hear my little speech and then extracts from the book, Wishbone Billy. The nice people of Big Green Bookshop are stocking the book and sales have gone well with little left of the original stock.

If you can’ t get to the shop and want a copy, the book is available on Amazon for only £4.99 and has received some great reviews:

Fantastic read for primary aged and young teens. Well-paced Dahlesque adventures will keep the kids gripped.   Doug

Great read. We loved it.   Andre

A fantastic read for children. Both my kids loved it. We all particularly enjoyed the scene with the cow and the bedroom scene with Cuddles is hilarious. Where’s the next book?   JL

What’s it about?
Well, it’s a  non-stop, edge of your seat ride with Billy on his magical journey in search of new, better parents. Have your parents ever annoyed you? Have they ever done something you could never forgive? Well, Billy has annoying parents. In fact, he has the worse parents IN THE WORLD! They are lazy, selfish and cruel. His life is terrible. What can save him? One day, something magical happens: Billy gets a wishbone and wishes for new parents. But as everybody knows: you better be careful what you wish for. This book is full of eccentric, zany characters that will have you laughing out loud.

If you want to get a taste of the book, the first few chapters are on here.

 

POEM: CHOCOLATE

Little Brother entered house
said he found
some chocolate
delicious chocolate
covered from head to foot
in sticky brown
beautiful chocolate
heavenly chocolate
licked his fingers
one to ten
melted chocolate
that sweet chocolate
a dreadful smell around
just like a dog pen
nothing like chocolate
it wasn’t chocolate!

POEM: SNACK TIME RAP

Bogey, bogeynosepick
Nice and green
Why about you
Is mum so mean?

Up my nose
I mustn’t linger
Scrabbling around
With my finger

Bogey, bogey
Nice and green
Why about you
Is mum so mean?

Your nutritional value
Is in doubt
As out my nostril
I pop you out

Bogey, bogey
Nice and green
Why about you
Is mum so mean?

Part of you wobbles
Just like jelly
That’s the part
I stick on the telly

Bogey, bogey
Nice and green
Why about you
Is mum so mean?

Over my tongue
You slicker
Your sliminess
Makes you slicker

Bogey, bogey
Nice and green
Why about you
Is mum so mean?

A tasty snack
Just up your nose
All can enjoy
One of those

Bogey, bogey
Nice and green
Why about you
Is mum so mean?